It turns out I'm not Super Woman?!
Can you freaking believe it!?! And here all this time I thought I was.
The shock of this discovery is well, shocking to say the least. Lol.
For those unaware, my 20 year marriage ended last week. We did split up in 2018 for two years then reconciled with all the promises and hopes of a new couple in love. But it seems words were easier to say than actions were to take and a year or so in of the same shit different day I decided to call it quits.
I am only 50. I have time left to live my life and find love, adventures, great sex, excitement. I just couldn't face anymore time wasted dragging anyone else around trying to make them see the joy in the world around them. At our age, seriously it's up to us don't you think? After the trauma, loss and bullshit I have had to go through in my life, I am still trying, still doing the work, still asking the questions of myself, still trying to do and be better. Its not easy, and not cheap (good therapists, courses, kinesiologists, holidays cost money). And the process of choosing myself, and putting new boundaries in place has certainly been challenging, and has come at a price of people. Certain friends have not coped with my new outlook and choices. I have been accused of being selfish, I have been told I “dont really appreciate…” and quite a few other things which in the past would have absolutely triggered me to reneg on my behaviour or choices to appease the other person and make them happy. While I would stew and swallow it down.
Well no more. If I don't start making choices that suit me at 50, when the hell will I? And lord knows I don't want to waste one more minute of this precious life trying to make anyone else happy when they clearly have no interest in helping themselves or worse fight me on it every step of the way.
So here I am. 50 and single. Living with my 19 year old as my newly appointed “roomie” and 14 year old living primarily with me and going to dads on weekends and as the mood takes her.
Whilst I was so relieved and literally felt physically lighter and elated the day he left, the days after hit me like a brick. I was exhausted.
It was a classic frog in the freezer syndrome. I had been living in a stressful, toxic situation that I was trying to quell and cope with for the girls sake for so long that I had no idea how much energy it was consuming. Sure I felt a bit flat some days but got on with it best I could. We have been separated since last Feb but living under the one roof till two weeks ago. Lockdown, finances, convenience to name a few reasons but after some pushing I was able to get him to decide on a plan of action that involved him finally moving out by February and the countdown began. Three months, two months, 5 weeks, two weeks… it was long and tough.
I bought a new bed which I put in my office which is half the lounge room so hadn’t had a door on my bedroom for 8 months. I was sleeping on a single bed for 3-4 of those till I decided enough was enough and bought a new double bed. Still no door but at least more room!
All this time squashing down feelings, anger, frustration. Coping, drinking, exercising, maintaining peace when I wanted to yell, escaping when I could.
So turns out, him moving out wasn't the magic ingredient I was predicting. Sure, I am happy he's gone and am very much looking forward to the new chapter of my life. But I was seriously ill prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions. Dumb huh?
This week I have felt it all. Pretty flat. Not keen on people at all. Wanting to hide, truth be told I struggled to get out of bed at all on Tuesday. Brain fog and shot memory. Huge case of the ‘cant be fucked’s. On the brink of tears at any moment. Feeling like a huge loser. Crying pretty much every day. Feeling an overwhelming desire to bolt for the bush. Looking up holidays and rescue dogs.
In between feelings of clarity like I’ve never had. New feelings of self worth, like I have never been surer of who I am and what I stand for.
Kind words to myself and trusting the ride, the process and knowing it will all be ok.
Leaning on friends - this is new for me, usually I would hide and keep it all to myself.
Writing this - being a vitality coach feels like a lot of pressure to have all the answers and lead by example!
So as you can see, if you are still with me, it's been a lot. So rather than beating myself up for not getting it all done and chomping through my goals, I have acknowledged I need a little time. I need to lick my wounds, rest up, reassess, and decide how I will be moving forward from here. I also realised I AM leading by example and it has absolutely reaffirmed that my Mojo method program WORKS.
Given all that's going on, I have just stuck to my program. Moving, resting, and fuelling my body and mind. Here I am. Still standing and one week closer to being in a MUCH BETTER place.
It's not rocket science, it's a simple four pronged approach to living your life fully - a life of quality, good health, love and worth. Having the foundations strong so if something big happens, like a 20 year marriage breakdown (or your father in law dying 4 days later - another story) you know you have the strength, the power, the tenacity, the method in place to just keep putting one step in front of the other till it gets easier again.
I know I should make it sound sexier, more punch, bigger showier words and promises of transformation and delight but I'm just not there today. I'm just glad I am feeling good today, that I have sat here to share with you lovely humans. Obviously it has a truck tonne of benefits for those of you lucky enough not to be facing down some big life challenges too!
I can promise you this. If you follow my program it will be much harder to be thrown off kilter. You will get stronger, physically, and mentally. You will trust yourself because you have the foundations, you know who you are, what you are capable of and know you got this.
And as a bonus - I got you.
If you would like a little taste of my program, join me for my Free 5 day sleep challenge kicking off Monday 21st Feb. It all starts with sleep. Sleep is your keystone.
