I Don't Drink Anymore. Here's What Changed

Life after drinking — who knew it would be this good?

A photo popped up today. You know the ones Facebook throws at you, "this time four years ago." Funny. I remember how happy I felt in the photo, but looking at it now, I see something so different.

The last four years have been huge, and this new, dare I say improved, version of me could share a few insights with her for sure. Whilst it's too late for me to pass them on to her, I thought I'd share them here in case anyone else is sober curious.

Confession time: I love Trent Dalton. Like, fangirl love him. I've read and waited on his next book for years. We're Instagram friends, I've met him in real life, he's hugged me, and he sent me a video message after meeting my daughter at his recent Sydney book launch, when she told him who she was. Let's just call it: we're practically besties.

Anyway, this photo was taken in Melbourne during his book tour. Yep, I flew down for it. Yep, I was first there. Yep, front row centre. Yep, first in line for the book signing. When I'm in, I'm in (or "a lot," as some have said). I had some time, so I bought an overpriced glass of bubbles and percolated in my excitement while waiting for the talk to start. The women you can see in the background were second and third there, and obviously disappointed they'd been beaten to the punch by the Sydney upstart.

I can still very much be a lot. But the drinking? That's changed. I no longer drink. And, possibly as one of the many benefits, I no longer look so puffy around the face.

This photo was taken post-COVID. I was enjoying my lockdown freedom, as well as my freedom from a 20-year marriage, after my husband had finally moved out. Happy days. Or so I thought.

But just like my commitment to Trent, my commitment to drinking was, well, committed too. Any and every occasion was better celebrated with a drink, or three. And I mean every occasion. City to Surf, I finally qualified for the red group with a 69-minute time. I went straight to the pub afterwards and remember at least four schooners. Birthdays, catch-ups, dates with new fellas, cycling events. Seriously, the Wagga Gears and Beers cycling event was huge. We'd ride 115km through the Wagga countryside, roll into a beer festival in the park around midday, chug beer until we got kicked out at dusk, then stagger home rat-faced.

Big fun, sure, at the time. The next day, not so much. The next few days, definitely not so much. Drinking really fucks with my head. I get mean to myself afterwards: the self-sabotage, retracing every step and conversation, hunting for reasons to hate myself and convince myself no one will ever speak to me again. This too was a lot. But I persevered. What can I say, I'm loyal as fuck once I love something.

Each time I had a hangover, it got worse. Looking back now, I can see it was a heady mix of the usual hangover ingredients, plus dropping oestrogen in perimenopause, newly unmasked ADHD and complex PTSD, renegotiating life as a single woman in my 50s after 20 years of marriage, and a string of horrendous dates and interludes with absolutely dreadful men. Fair to say I had a lot going on in my already overactive brain.

So eventually, after a HUGE month of celebrations, hangovers, remorse, regret, shame, tears and self-loathing, I decided I just had to stop. So I did.

I can honestly say, hand on heart, pinky promise, this was the best decision of my life (or top 3, I've actually made quite a few good ones, glad to report).

This one change has had an immense impact on my life. It wasn't sudden weight loss like everyone imagines or is led to believe. I actually put on a bit of weight at first, as my body sought to replace the sugars I'd so drastically cut out. I reached for chocolate and sweets and convinced myself it was better than drinking, a reward for staying on track, perhaps?

So, given I was a fairly big, very regular drinker, you might be asking, "How did you do it?"

Disclaimer: I'm no expert, and I haven't set up an Instagram account in honour of my newfound sober life like sooo many others (thank god), but happy to share the steps I took, for anyone interested.

I replaced the habit.

I realised (sadly) that drinking had built up through COVID and become quite the daily habit and crutch. Like many, I felt there wasn't much to celebrate being locked in my house all day with a husband I could barely stand. So, come dinner time, I'd crack open a wine. And admittedly, dinner time got earlier some days, when I felt I "needed" an escape or a reward from the dreariness I found myself in.

Some days it was a bottle. Others, when I was feeling more sanctimonious, I'd "only have half a bottle."

Anyway, I digress (clearly I still like to beat myself up over imperfections sometimes), but once I realised this was really just a habit, I replaced it. I found a sparkly, refreshing, delicious sugar-free drink called Agrum at Coles, so gave that a go. I'd pour it into a lovely wine glass with a nice slice of lime and celebrate life with that.

It worked. I began to look forward to it. I thoroughly enjoyed it. And best of all, I only needed one, then moved on with my night.

-TICK

Asked friends for support.

I'm of the generation where drinking was social, and socially acceptable. Not drinking wasn't. And I'm an old Balmain girl, so double the pressure (IYKYK).

So that old conditioning and those old stories bubbled up in my brain, and I worried I'd lose friendships if I wasn't drinking anymore. I even considered ways to trick people into thinking I was still drinking?! I mean, WTF.

When I realised how stupid that was, I put my big girl pants on and just told people I wasn't drinking and wanted to try life without it for a while. And to my complete and utter surprise (and joy), all my friends were completely supportive.

-TICK

I rethought my friendships.

This was quite a big one. When I looked at my social schedule, friendship circles and events, they all revolved around exercise and/or drinking. All of them.

Three of my best friends are big drinkers, and that's what we did, we got on it. Hilarious, and so much fun, but not my direction anymore. Would I be able to be friends without that? Would they find me boring sober? Would I find them boring drunk? Would we still go to the pub, or do something different?

So I made a list, and one by one, met up, reconnected, and paved a new path with each of them. Easily, to be honest. What a relief to find my friendships were based on far more than drinking.

-TICK

But I really liked going to pubs.

I do. It's fun, it's my heritage of sorts. You meet, you sit in the sun, you have a drink, people watch, order food, have a few laughs (the belly variety, if you have friends like mine). It's time well spent, in my book. So I asked myself: could I do that sober? Would I want to?

Turns out I still enjoy going to the pub. I just don't stay as long, I don't drink as much, and I don't spend as much money.

-TICK

Dancing.

I love dancing. I mean, who doesn't? Only weirdos, and men best avoided, perhaps. A few months after I quit drinking, the Ministry of Sound came to Sydney in a new format. I'd been to the daytime ones, but this was an evening one, and it was the 90s! I had to go.

I was so excited, but actually wondered if it would be any fun dancing sober. At all the previous ones I'd been pretty hammered and had a great time. Or so I thought.

Turns out dancing sober is WAY MORE fun. I totally escaped into the music, bounced and jumped around all night with a shit-eating grin on my face, till I very slowly dragged my exhausted arse home after the final act. It was seriously one of the most fun nights I've ever had. Thank you, Utah Saints and Katrina.

Since then I've looked for any opportunity to go dancing, and even managed to drag a few old rave buddies from the actual '90s out dancing with me.

-TICK

Checklist done.

I haven't really gone into the benefits of not drinking, but they're aplenty, I could write a whole other email on those alone. But for now, my top 5 highlights:

Waking up as me. More often than I'd like to admit, I used to wake up and just wait to assess the damage: was it dusty, hazy, or full fog? At first I couldn't believe the difference compared to what I'd accepted as my norm. Almost sad, really. Amazing now, every day is new and fresh. Gold.

No remorse after nights out. No wondering if I overshared, who I kissed, or if I unleashed the beast. No regrets, just memories.

I can drive wherever I go, if I want to. Win/win, since I can also leave whenever I want to.

Being more present for my girls. They've really noticed that I've stopped drinking, and they're genuinely positive about it. Now that they're at the partying age, I'm sober at home, so if they need me, I'm available. I find that comforting.

Sober sex. Wow, who knew? Lol. Firstly, let's just say I make much better choices without my wine goggles on. Praise be. Secondly, the actual sex is so much better, eyes wide open (metaphorically speaking), and just way more fun. And well, I'm very fit and strong, which is, let's just say, evident when I'm not drunk. Lol, sorry not sorry.

I'm not sure the woman in the photo would believe I finally did it. I am now so happy and confident in my choice and my new identity as a non-drinker.

No pressure from me on your choices. I just know that as we go through perimenopause and menopause, our bodies literally can't tolerate or process alcohol like they used to, and they start to object. And we've got enough to deal with already, without making it any harder than it needs to be.

If you've been considering slowing down or stopping for a while, I applaud and encourage you. If you'd like someone in your corner as you do, reach out. I'm more than happy to help, and can absolutely attest to a brighter version of life on the other side of that decision.

Big Love,

Joan x